Abuse, Safety, and Help
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7: call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
If someone may be monitoring your phone, browser, email, or location, consider reaching out from a device or account that person cannot access.
I want to tell you one small part of my own story
There was a time when I read a description of emotional abuse and realized, with painful clarity, that it was naming what I had been living through.
I did not feel relieved.
I threw the book across the room and never picked it up again.
The words were too clear. They touched something I had spent a long time minimizing, explaining away, or trying harder to fix.
"It's not that bad."
"Maybe I'm too sensitive."
"Maybe I just need to do better."
Naming abuse did not create what had happened to me. It simply gave me language for something that was already there.
That is why I include these definitions below.
Not to tell you what your story is. Not to make decisions for you. And not to place a label on your relationship from a distance.
But because sometimes having the right words helps us stop circling around what hurts long enough to look at it honestly.
If some of these words feel painfully familiar, you do not have to rush.
You can bring what you are seeing to God slowly, honestly, and with wise support around you.
Name It
Sometimes one of the hardest parts of abuse is finding the words for what is happening.
Abuse is not limited to being hit.
Abuse is not limited to gender. Men and women can both perpetrate abuse, and men and women can both experience it.
Abuse can be a pattern of words, actions, threats, manipulation, intimidation, isolation, humiliation, sexual coercion, financial control, monitoring, or other behaviors used to harm another person or gain power and control over them.
It can sound like:
- Constant criticism, insults, belittling, or humiliation
- Gaslighting — causing you to question what you remember, saw, heard, or experienced
- Controlling where you go, who you see, what you spend, or what decisions you are allowed to make
- Withholding affection, money, communication, or other necessities as punishment
- Threats, intimidation, explosive anger, or making you afraid of what will happen if you disagree
- Isolation from friends, family, church, work, or other sources of support
- Sexual pressure or coercion
- Repeatedly blaming you for the other person's behavior
- Making love, kindness, safety, or approval conditional upon your compliance
An individual hurtful comment, disagreement, or poor reaction is not automatically an abusive relationship. What we are talking about here is a pattern of harm, coercion, fear, degradation, or control.
And sometimes that control wears religious clothing.
What Is Spiritual Abuse?
Spiritual abuse happens when God, Scripture, doctrine, church authority, or spiritual language is used to manipulate, frighten, shame, silence, or control another person.
It can happen within a marriage, family, church, ministry, counseling relationship, or other spiritual setting.
It may sound — or look — like:
- "God says you have to obey me."
- "A godly wife would submit."
- "If you leave, you are disobeying God."
- "You just need to forgive and stop talking about it."
- "Taking this outside the church is gossip."
- "Questioning me means you are questioning God."
- Using Scripture about submission, forgiveness, unity, authority, or suffering to excuse harmful behavior
- Pressuring someone to reconcile before there has been safety, repentance, accountability, and meaningful change
- Treating a victim's boundaries or attempts to seek help as rebellion, bitterness, unforgiveness, or sin
Scripture should never be used as a weapon to protect someone's power while leaving another person unprotected from harm.
If Scripture, marriage vows, submission, forgiveness, reconciliation, church authority, or God Himself have been used to frighten you into accepting abuse, please understand this clearly:
Using spiritual language does not make control righteous.
Human authority remains accountable to God.
And no person becomes entitled to sin against another simply because they are a spouse, pastor, parent, leader, or someone claiming biblical authority.
What God Asks of Everyone Else
Much of what Scripture says about oppression is not spoken to the person being harmed. It is spoken to everyone with the power to do something about it.
Learn to do good; Seek justice, Reprove the ruthless, Defend the orphan, Plead for the widow.Isaiah 1:17
Vindicate the weak and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and destitute. Rescue the weak and needy; Deliver them out of the hand of the wicked.Psalm 82:3-4
Reprove. Defend. Plead. Vindicate. Rescue. Deliver.
These are commands, and they are given to those in a position to act. Scripture does not ask the oppressed to endure quietly while everyone else looks away. It tells the ones who could help what they are required to do.
If Those Words Feel Uncomfortably Familiar
You do not have to decide everything today.
You do not even have to know yet exactly what you would call your situation.
But you are allowed to name what has happened truthfully.
You are allowed to seek help.
You are allowed to ask questions.
And you do not have to minimize harm in order to extend grace.
Sometimes naming what is happening is simply the first step toward seeing clearly enough to know where to go next.
Where to Begin
First, I want to pause and address something very important.
I am not here to tell you what the next steps should be in your marriage or relationship. Your story is not my story, or anyone else's for that matter, and it is not my place to make those decisions for you.
But I do want to say this clearly:
You and your children deserve and need to be safe.
Danger is not limited to physical violence. Emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, spiritual, and coercive patterns can also cause real harm and require serious attention.
Pray.
Not in the sense of the “just pray about it” response you may have heard before, but rather:
Ask God to give you wisdom, discernment, courage, and guidance for the next best step in your particular situation.
Tell someone safe.
That might be a pastor, counselor, advocate, trusted friend, or family member who will believe you and take your safety seriously.
Please use discernment here. Not every pastor, counselor, church leader, friend, or family member understands abuse or coercive control. You are not required to disclose abuse to someone who may confront the person harming you, pressure you to remain in danger, minimize what is happening, or place you or your children at greater risk.
A prudent man sees evil and hides himself, The naive proceed and pay the penalty.Proverbs 27:12
Seeking wise counsel does not mean surrendering your discernment. Healthy counsel should never require you to tolerate sin, conceal abuse, remain in danger, or submit yourself to abusive control.
Make a safety plan with someone who understands abuse.
You do not have to figure this out alone.
If you are experiencing danger — and remember, danger is not only physical — a domestic-violence advocate can help you think through your circumstances and develop a safety plan.
If you believe you or your children are in immediate, life-threatening danger, call 911.
And if someone may be monitoring your phone, browser history, email, location, or other devices, consider contacting an advocate from a device or account the person cannot access. Technology can sometimes be used as part of coercive control.
Remember who you are.
You are God's beloved child. Abuse does not define you.
God sees you.
He values you.
And He is not confused about what has been done to you.
God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.Psalm 46:1
You may have difficult decisions ahead of you, and other people may have strong opinions about what you should do. Keep seeking God, seek wise and informed help, and remember that protecting yourself or your children from harm is not a failure of faith.
If you are not sure whether what you are experiencing "counts" as abuse, you can still reach out for help. You do not have to wait until the situation becomes an emergency, and you do not have to prove that it is bad enough before you are allowed to ask questions.
Immediate Abuse and Safety Support
You do not need every resource below; choose the kind of support that fits what you need right now.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) · TTY 1-800-787-3224 Text START to 88788 thehotline.org
Confidential domestic-violence support is available 24/7 by phone, text, or chat. Advocates can help you talk through what is happening, think about safety, and locate resources in your area. Interpreters are available in over 200 languages. Deaf and hard-of-hearing callers can reach the Deaf Hotline by video phone at 855-812-1001.
StrongHearts Native Helpline
1-844-762-8483 (1-844-7NATIVE) strongheartshelpline.org
A 24/7 safe, confidential, and anonymous domestic and sexual violence helpline for Native Americans and Alaska Natives, by call, text, or online chat.
RAINN — National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-HOPE (4673) rainn.org
Free, confidential support 24/7 for sexual assault and sexual coercion, by phone or online chat.
Called to Peace Ministries
A Christ-centered ministry serving women affected by domestic abuse and coercive control. They provide advocacy, support groups, safety planning, church-related assistance, and resources for survivors and those helping them. Their site includes a quick-escape button.
Safety, Technology, and Legal Information
Safety Net — TechSafety.org
From the National Network to End Domestic Violence. Practical guidance on phones, location tracking, monitoring software, social media, and staying safer online when technology is being used as part of coercive control.
WomensLaw.org
Plain-language legal information organized state by state, including protective orders, custody, and divorce, plus an email hotline. WomensLaw serves all survivors, regardless of sex or gender.
Christian Counseling and Healing Support
These resources may be helpful for ongoing counseling, trauma recovery, and spiritual support, but they are not replacements for emergency services or specialized domestic-violence advocacy.
Mending the Soul
Biblically grounded, trauma-informed small groups for men and women healing from physical, sexual, spiritual, verbal, and other forms of abuse. Their site has a map to help you find a group near you or online.
Focus on the Family Counseling Consultation Line
1-855-771-HELP (4357) Weekdays, 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Mountain Time
A one-time no-cost consultation with a licensed or pastoral Christian counselor, who can also provide referrals for continued counseling. This is not a crisis line, and you may need to leave your information for a return call.
Christian Care Connect
A directory of Christian counselors and therapists from the American Association of Christian Counselors, searchable by ZIP code or city. When seeking a counselor for abuse, consider asking specifically about their training and experience with domestic violence, coercive control, trauma, and spiritual abuse.
For Churches, Pastors, and Those Helping Someone
Psalm 82 Initiative
Calls civil and religious leaders to recognize and respond to abuse more effectively, with training and resources for pastors, therapists, and advocates.
You Are Not Forgotten
While I do not know you, I have and will continue to lift you up in prayer. You are seen. But more importantly, God sees you.
The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, A stronghold in times of trouble; And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.Psalm 9:9-10